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We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, \'Don\'t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?\' I said \'I didn\'t know there were any witnesses. Now I\'ll have to kill you too\'.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Honolulu, it\'s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife\'s mother.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
Honolulu, it\'s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife\'s mother.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
War doesn\'t make boys men, it makes men dead.
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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
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If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
You got to be careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, because you might not get there.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You\'d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, \'Where have I gone wrong?\' Then a voice says to me, \'This is going to take more than one night.\'
I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Don\'t knock masturbation, it\'s sex with someone I love .
War doesn\'t make boys men, it makes men dead.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
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I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
I am not young enough to know everything.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn\'t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
After I\'m dead I\'d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
And God said, \'Let there be light\' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I\'m going to miss mine by just a few days.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Minsky\'s Second Law: Don\'t just do something. Stand there.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
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Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
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They laughed when I said I\'d be a comedian. They aren\'t laughing now.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
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I have four children which is not bad considering I\'m not a Catholic.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you\'re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
But at my back I always hear Time\'s winged chariot hurrying near.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
I\'ve just learned about his illness. Let\'s hope it\'s nothing trivial.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
The company doesn\'t tell me what to say, and I don\'t tell themwhere to stick it.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: \'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Always go to other people\'s funerals, otherwise they won\'t come to yours.
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
And God said, \'Let there be light\' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Once you\'ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
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Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
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Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Am I lightheaded because I\'m not dead or because I\'m still alive?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Gigerenzer\'s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
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A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, \'cause if they couldn\'t, they\'d have to wake up to the fact that life\'s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can\'t seem to keep up is they\'re a bunch of misfits and losers.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn\'t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/17/(Tue) 04:32
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